Why does it smell like wet dog in here?

Where do I begin? Van Helsing is a non-stop action movie featuring a full cast of your favorite movie monsters: Count Dracula (and his wives), Dr. Frankenstein, Frankenstein's Monster, the Wolf Man, and Mr. Hyde. There are sexy slayers: Van Helsing, Anna Valerious, and her brother Velkan. There are just a few minor changes: Dracula has been banished to an alternate world that can only be accessed through a special gate; Dr. Frankenstein is a whining wimp and his monster is a genius; Mr. Hyde doubles as the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Van Helsing is not Stoker's elderly Dutchman, but a hot young amnesiac named Gabriel who works as a monster killer for the Vatican; Anna Valerious is equally hot, young and voluptuous -- a far cry from the old gypsy woman of the classic Wolf Man films. Well, at least she's still a gypsy.

Van Helsing has, as I said, almost non-stop action. There are very few moments of relaxation in between many, many over-the-top violent battles and chase sequences. There are pretty people to suit every taste: Hugh Jackman's brooding lead, Kate Beckinsale's corseted, taut-bottomed gypsy princess, Richard Roxburgh's devilish Count, Dracula's busty and sensual wives (Josie Maran, Elena Anaya, and Sylvia Colloca). There are amazing costumes of dark leather, bejeweled lace, and flowing silk. The CGI special effects are in most cases spectacularly well done; the scenery is breathtaking, the fight choreography is pretty darn good -- and have I mentioned that the cast is hot, hot, HOT?

Sadly, all of the praiseworthy effects, flourishes, and decorations in this film are, as my Southern grandma would say, just like putting lipstick on a pig.

No matter how many cool effects there are, nothing can make up for the horrible writing in this movie. There are cavernous plot holes -- though Dracula is supposedly "banished" he goes where he wishes at will. Only a werewolf can kill Dracula, yet he tries to use werewolves as henchmen. Oh, but wait...he has an antidote to the curse of the werewolf in case the critter turns on him -- except he keeps it in a sealed vat of acid in a hidden chamber of his castle. This is the equivalent of keeping your fire extinguisher out in your storage unit in case of a kitchen grease fire. Vampires are undead beings, no heartbeat, no cell division, except that Dracula and his wives can breed, except that their children aren't alive (huh?) and they need the life energy of Dr. Frankenstein's scientifically created monster to bring their children to life! Did you get that? Yeah, me neither.

Let's not discuss Igor's electric cattle prod. Let's not discuss Anna Valerious arming herself to the teeth with multiple guns and knives to go hunting Dracula, and then almost casually telling Van Helsing that they've tried killing Dracula with every available weapon including a stake through the heart and they already know that none of these things will work. Let's not discuss the fact that for all the technological advances in the year 2004 we still can't create a werewolf that doesn't look utterly cheesy. Let's not discuss the complete absence of sexual tension between Van Helsing and Anna and the soggy fish kiss that they can't even fake credibly.

None of the characters, with the possible exception of Dracula and Dr. F's monster, exhibit enough personality for the audience to care whether or not they survive. One actually doesn't, and the overall reaction in the theater was "eh, oh well." Jackman, who's actually a really good actor, wanders through the movie rather aimlessly, only becoming animated during the fight scenes. The movie can't decide if it's supposed to be serious or camp; there are many, many utterly idiotic bits of dialogue delivered in various versions of Generic Eastern European Accent #3a. I was actually embarrassed on behalf of the film when one of Dracula's wives delivered the sneering taunt "too bad, so sad" during an attack on the local village. Other choice bits of dialogue include the line quoted at the beginning of this review, which is said by a character upon entering a room recently vacated by a werewolf. Heh. Funny. Really.

Van Helsing doesn't have the wit or style that makes Hellboy such a rollicking success; when these characters from 1887 spout flippant modern one-liners, they just sound ridiculous. The script is entirely devoid of redeeming moments, and the whole thing wastes a talented cast, a huge special effects budget, and the price of admission. Best idea for seeing Van Helsing? Wait until it's out on DVD, pop it in, put it on mute, and put some nice chunky rock or metal on the stereo. If you watch the film but listen to something else, you won't have wasted 132 minutes of your life the way I did.

Director Stephen Sommers (also responsible for the Mummy/Scorpion King movies) loads on the makeup and perfume hoping that we won't notice the stinking barnyard beast underneath it all. Too bad, so sad. This is one sad slab o'bacon.

[Maria Nutick]